I do not see horror films. Since I was ten and saw Poltergeist and didn't get over it til I was thirteen, I have lived by the cardinal rule that no horror movie, no matter how hyped/badass/so-bad-it's-good-no-seriously-it-won't-scare-you-it'll-be-funny-we'll-all-laugh-together-and-then-get-fro-yo it's meant to be, I will ALWAYS get scared and ALWAYS regret it.

And yet somehow I can't escape enough exposure to this r. tarded fucking genre to have my daily activities impacted, and thus have compiled a list of simple actions which scary movies have utterly ruined for me:

-shouting into a darkened apartment if anyone's home

-opening blinds at night

-opening a medicine cabinet. Or rather, closing a previously opened medicine cabinet. I cannot remember doing this with my eyes open in my adult life, ever. Try it. Try it now. Don't worry I'm totally sure there will be no dead girl/toothy but inexplicably quiet alien behind you. Suckers. 

-sleeping with my feet dangling off the bed (AND MY FEET GET HOT. ASK ANYONE.)